you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
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