I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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