I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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