I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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