when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
