Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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