Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
