well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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