We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
