It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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