im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Four minutes until I can fart!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
