I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
