my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
