my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
