She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
