dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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