ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
