So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
