Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
