Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
