I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He shit in the fireplace
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
