my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
