what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
