Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
