if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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