kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
