So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
