1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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