If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
