I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
