I can text with my tongue
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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