Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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