He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
