I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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