Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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