Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
