I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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