I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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