the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
