I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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