there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
