Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i think my cat just said my name.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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