I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
