Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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