Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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