Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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