She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
