She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In other news, I just burned my penis
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
