dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
