My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
