someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
