I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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