I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
