there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
