Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
