If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
