She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize