The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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